


Growing Up

by Catsarecutebutaliens (orphan_account)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Autobiography, Drabbles, Emotional Abuse, F/F, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up, Heartbreak, Other, Poetry, Short Stories, Tags will be added if needed, Vent Poetry, aroace, aromantic experience, asexual experience, can be read out of order, in parts, queer, trans author, trans experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 06:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19329325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Catsarecutebutaliens
Summary: A series of short stories depicting my own experiences with some non-autobiographic aspects. Dealing with heartbreak, relationships, and finding your place in the world.





	1. A thought of peace

**Author's Note:**

> The following stories/chapters will vary in length and coherence, but you can easily skip the ones you don't like/want to/can't read.  
> I started writing these back in December but only decided to publish them now, mostly for myself.

Sometimes I feel at peace in my body.

It comes slowly, most of the time, and has been existing in my body for a while before I notice it.   
It is not happiness but contentment, acceptance of my flaws and myself.

I wonder how long it will stay.


	2. You

We were never close the way we were supposed to be.

Maybe it was your fault and maybe it was mine. All I know is I tried. Did you?

I remember your hugs, your warmth, your smell, everything.   
I remember the details I wanna forget and forget the ones I want to remember.

We talked, but never about us. About you, sometimes about me, about anything and nothing at all.   
Nothing important. I miss our talks.

I got drunk and you watched, a cold summer evening with so much to regret.

Your lips tasted like a promise and a self-fulfilling prophecy. I knew it wouldn't last and tried anyway.

You wanted to and I didn't. I wanted more and you kissed me in the rain just to break me.   
Is that what you wanted? Me, out of your life?

You could have told me, you know, and I would have gone with a broken heart, but with pride and anger, not sadness and remorse.

We could have been everything.

You changed your mind and I will never know why, will I?   
Could I have prevented it, all those months ago?

All the things we will never have and all the firsts you took. 

I wish our paths never crossed.


	3. Touch

Oh, I can still remember your touch, hot and gentle and so, so comforting.  
  
You put your arms around me and held my hand, and for a few seconds, I could pretend everything was going to be alright. A smile lit up your face like wildfire, and if I hadn't already fallen for you, I would have this mere moment.  
  
I felt your breath on my lips, your skin on mine, the rain in my face, and I finally landed on the ground, in your arms. I had stopped falling, but you dropped me nonetheless.  
  
I wanted to hate you, wanted to scream and cry and ask _why, why did you do this to me?_  
  
All I did was listen to you and whisper: "Okay."  
  
I ran like a coward when your voice started smothering me; when you talked about your day like the last second never happened. Drowning in the blue of your eyes had never felt so painful.  
  
I ran and I ran and once I was alone, I stilled.  
  
No tear escaped my eyes, still hoping, still loving.   
  
I held on to you for too long, opening the wound again and again just to remember warmth. It was burning me alive.  
  
No touch will ever feel like yours.  
  
No lips will ever taste like you, and I wish I could have memorized your smell.  
  
Too little time, I tell myself, too little time and no one there to tell me I was running out of it.  
  
I deserve better I know that now. Still, the ghost of your touch will never leave my mind.  
  



	4. Heart

I still miss you.  
  
I keep looking for you and my eyes run through the room searching for your face, your hair, your eyes, your presence. Whenever I catch you, my heart stops, and for a second I can feel everything once again.   
  
I look away.  
  
It's too much, _you_ are too much and always have been.  
  
God, what a fool I was and still am for thinking we could ever work out.  
  
There is less anger now, less sadness in my heart.   
  
I still miss you, but I feel like I'm finally moving on from you. You have stopped being the only thing on my mind.   
  
Even though, my heart still aches. For different reasons at different times and maybe I should welcome it. It's a constant reminder of my wrongdoing, my mistakes, it helps me see. You tore open my heart, and now I'm healing myself, stitching it back together, piece by piece. I'm learning to love myself without you.  
  
I hope you didn't keep any parts of it.


	5. Closer

There are many things I regret about us, and so many things I had wanted to do, _still_ want to do.  
  
We never got to kiss, really kiss, until we were both panting and gasping, and so happy we forgot everything around us. I never got to wake up to you, sleepy and comfortable and just cuddle closer while we gently eased into the day.   
  
It's just stupid daydreams making me long for you, for anyone.   
  
I wanted to be close to you, and you let me. I wanted to be closer, and you pulled away. My fault, your fault, I don't even care anymore. We both made mistakes, and it is _over_.   
  
My dreams are just that: dreams. Ghosts, memories, wishes floating around and trying to make sense of the world. _I'm_ trying to make sense of the world.  
  
If you had pulled me closer, I would have whisper my secrets into your ear. I would have listened to yours. Instead, I watched the distance grow rapidly for a few days before I finally allowed myself to stop reaching for you.  
  
The thought of your lips just mere atoms away from mine no longer makes me long for you.  
  
Truth is, it makes me hope against reason.  
  
I'm kidding no one, not even myself.  
  
I just wanna be close again.


	6. Proximity and Moving On

It was the first time I was close to you in almost two months.  
  
Just inches apart, my back to you, but I could fell your presence, I could hear you breathing and talking, and I wish I could say it was hell.  
  
It wasn't.  
  
Maybe it helps to say it wasn't heaven either.  
  
You looked different. I missed the glasses on your face, and your hair was fading into the red I will never feel under my hands. I remember the green and the mixture of pink and purple I adored.   
  
You said goodbye to your friends, and they said nothing. They were talking to me. I feel sorry for you, and at the same time, I don't.  
  
In a few months, you will be gone from my life completely, and I will probably never see you again. Letting this end on a bad note breaks my heart, making up would too.  
  
I want to say something whenever I see you. It would be weird.  
  
We never texted, and I still couldn't bring myself to delete our chat. It is archived, always in close proximity, just like you. Looking at it hurts less than I thought. Looking at _you_ hurts less than I thought.  
  
I'm healing.  
  
My heart still jumps and aches when it recognizes you, but it stopped tearing itself apart.  
  
You follow me like a ghost while slowly fading into nothingness.  
  
Maybe I will say something and turn around before you go. I want to.  
  
Proximity or not, I loved you. I don't anymore.


	7. Hold onto me

I have to admit, you are still more often on my mind than I thought but less often than I expected.  
  
My heart aches when I think of our times, our intimacy that was never really there. Please don't get me wrong, I do not miss you. I miss what you represented, what you were to me.  
  
My longings are not about you anymore but me and me alone.   
  
I know I need to let you rest instead of digging up thoughts and old love.  
  
Just promise me one thing. Don't do what you did to me to anyone else. I now know how much it hurts and I do not wish it on anyone.  
  
Emptiness is where your heat should be. I will leave you once more.  
  
Don't disappear just yet, though.   
  
Await my final goodbye.


	8. Air and Stars

On nights like those, I miss you like one misses air.  
The way you touched me, looked at me, made me feel like I am the only one to ever be loved by you.  
  
I know, in the end, it didn't matter.  
  
You held me and I miss your arms. You had no problem giving me up.  
  
I sought you out, touched you, held you, and you never once returned for the same. Not anymore.  
  
God, please just hold me while we both beg for forgiveness and share our warmth.  
  
I need you like air, I can't breathe, I can't think.  
  
It's funny how you came to me, talked to me and never explained why. Are you lonely? Do you miss me as well?  
  
I will never know. You will be gone and I will never see you again. Your life will stay a mystery and I still hope I can feel your touch once again, in a distant, hopeful future.   
  
I loved you like I love air. I can breathe without you now. I don't need you, I don't love you and still, you haunt my dreams while I think of running away with a new star.  
  
Your gravity holds me no more and I am my own star now. This galaxy is wide and oh, you showed it to me. My dear, love was never supposed to be like this, so small and guarded.  
  
If you ask me, we have been in love for months. Before I kissed you during that starless night. Before you asked me to be yours and I refused.  
  
Love, to me, is not devotion but time spent together because I want to share your warmth in the cold of our world. A week, a month, a year.   
  
Remember last December, I both gained and lost you and now I have let you go. I hope you find your star.


	9. Endings do not hurt

Oh, you are on my mind again. I saw you and my heart beat, beat, beat.

 

I think I am okay now. You know, for a way too long while, I wasn't.  
  
I was angry and sad and disappointed and constantly asked myself where we, where _I_ went wrong, just to realize neither of us was.  
  
Maybe this mess could have been avoided somehow and we are still friends in a different world, but I don't care. You taught me a lesson, a good one, I hope, and I am ready to leave you behind.  
  
I'm over you, I do not want you back and looking at you no longer makes my heart ache in my chest.  
  
You looked nice today, I like your dress. But I look at you and instead of an ex, of a what-if, of a what-could-have-been, I just see someone I once knew.  
  
I can't smile at you yet and pretend all of us never happened, but I'm getting there without stops. No "one step forward and two steps back".  
  
Just me, moving on.  
  
Just me, accepting myself and my life and the choices we made.  
  
I write this without malice or anger and there is no regret in my words. Only a small smile on my lips as I remember our time.  
  
I wish we could have said goodbye. We are finished, but we never said we are. If I can I will tell you I'm not angry with you, and I will mean it.  
  
Soft skin, soft lips, blue eyes, and no warmth, no heat.  
  
With this breath I want to let you go.


	10. Set free

I think I have stopped wanting you back.  
  
For a long time, I just wanted everything to go back to normal, to have you back in my life. I wanted to feel your arms around me once again and bury my nose in your neck and hair, breathing in your smell.  
  
God, how I will cherish those memories.  
  
Memories which belong to a past I need to leave behind.  
  
I still want someone to share my life with, but that someone isn't you anymore.  
  
I cannot set you free because you never belonged to me, but my heart lets the thought of a future, a life with you, go.  
  
It's about time, after all.  
  
With you, I always felt like a bird in a cage, waiting for the bars to be opened and the dreams to be lived.  
  
That's not what love is or should be I know that now.  
  
I don't blame you, please don't get me wrong. We were both so, so lost.  
  
I'm finding my way without you.  
  
All on my own.


	11. Loving Less

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Directed at a different person than the last chapters, just so you know.

I don't love like you, I know I don't.

You tell me every time I talk to you, touch you, see you.

Your love for him, your obsession, is slowly drowning you but you want it, crave it. I see the poison, the ruined relationships lying around you like bloody shards. I will be one of them, one day.

One day my throat will be raw and I will cry until I can't anymore. You won't care.

Why do you love me less? Because I don't. I love you with all my heart just like I love all the other special people in my life. I love you and you and you and you and you. And I still don't love the same, you say.

It is not romantic. Does that mean it is not special? Not worthy enough to be loved back? I don't love like you but I love, and that is not less. My heart hurts for you and for me and someday it will break.

I love you but at the end of the night, I will still be alone. He is your gravity and I am nothing more than a star millions of lightyears away. You see me, don't you? As something more than just a person? A friend, maybe?

I don't believe you anymore. Too much pain. He is your everything and it will destroy you.

I love you but you are not my everything, I am.


End file.
